Your life sucks? Say it!

Today, I was cooking up breakfast on a hotplate on top of my toilet, like I usually do. The eggs were coming up good, when all of a sudden my penis slipped out of my boxer shorts and flopped onto the hotplate. Life Sucks!

Today, Charlotta and I tried to beat the heat wave with an Applebee’s eat wave and a garbage bag full of beer. After hours of eating and drinking, I lit a cigarette. One woman, piqued, gave me an ugly look and said, “If you can’t put down the cheesecake, at least put out the cigarette.” Life sucks!

Today, one of my friends was bringing me dinner so I went on a beer run for us. After making my purchase, I stepped right on a piece of metal on the sidewalk. The blood was copious and I had to sit on a stool at the beer store pouring peroxide on my heel. Now I have to get a tetanus shot. Life Sucks

Today, I found some pork buried beneath my old baseball equipment in my backyard. So I ate the pork, nescient of its age and state. Needless to say, I vomited for 9 straight hours. The retching became so violent that my wife Charlotta had to duct-tape me to my Laz-E-Boy lifestyle unit. Life sucks!

Today, I overdosed on crazy glue. I fell asleep with 3 tubes in my mouth & passed out w/ my mouth glued shut. I was rushed to the hospital and had my lips pried open w/ a chisel & ball-peen hammer. When I woke up, the Doc said, "Son, are you hooked on crazy glue?" I said, "No. I'm stuck." Life sucks

Today, I had a really hard day coming up at school, so in order to not go I pretended to have a terrible stomachache. Seeing that this wasn't the first time I tried to get out of going, My mother took me to the doctor. I was lucky enough to get a rectal exam. Life Sucks!

Today, I was riding my bike past a really hot club. I decided to yell insults at the people in line outside. Then, my wheel slipped on a manhole cover and I wiped out in front of them. I'm sure they appreciated that. Life Sucks!

Today, my stupid cat peed on my bed again. I just washed my shit a week ago! Life Sucks!